Duck’s Neighborhood

And you should have seen these steps before my hubby shoveled them. Steps? What steps?

I was supposed to go into a test tomorrow, a routine test for folks over 50 and a good idea, if you ask me.

This test, since it's intestinal, requires not a little prep beforehand. About five days before you have to stop eating nuts, seeds, corn or popcorn. After that you have to stop eating raw vegetables or berry-fruit. Canned is okay, but no skins. Nothing with whole grain.

Okay, I could do that. It would only be a week. I could eat any kind of meat except fried, and could make do with mushy white bread for a few days, certainly.

Yesterday was the killer, though. I spent the day consuming clear liquids only and getting ready for a certain something I'd be taking later in the day, as part of the (lower) intestinal prep. So far, so good. I was a bit low-energy, but managed to get through the day on water, clear tea with sugar (to keep my blood levels functioning normally) and non-fat, low-salt bullion. Yes, I was hungry, but I could hold out a day and a half.

A less pleasant part of this preparation would involve not-small doses of Magnesium Citrate, a compound which...well, let's say the examination area is nice and clean once the doctor needs to have a look. He inserts a laparoscopic camera in an area of the anatomy best not left to discussion. If the above-mentioned Magnesium Citrate has done its job - and believe me, you'll know within two hours about that - then you should have smooth sailing for the whole thing. Short procedure, reasonable levels of anesthesia. Then dinner afterward - a dinner that will taste all that much better now that you're starving and reamed out.

Alas, Magnesium Citrate and I were not meant to meet, at least under the conditions specified for the procedure. I was supposed to drink a bottle and a half (15 oz) tonight and another bottle and a half early tomorrow morning. Not the greatest tasting stuff in the world, but I had my bottles and down the hatch they went.

For a little while anyway.

I managed to choke down the solution between glasses of regular water, which I figured would be fine, since I had to drink mucho water after taking it anyway. The stuff was heavy, very salty, and had a lemony taste. I just held my nose and decided I'd just get it over with as quickly as possible.

It looks like my stomach was not at all interested in this beverage and decided, within three minutes of my finishing the entire first dose, to return it...immediately. I didn't quite make it in time to deposit the "beverage" in the sink and ended up cleaning spilled magnesium citrate off the hallways and the runners leading to the kitchen.

Well, let's just say I was in a mess then, and in more ways than one. I'd just upchucked an entire test preparation and had nothing left in me to do the job. There's no way I'm going to be able to repeat that and, besides, I'm already a day late on this carefully timed, two-day prep job. What to do? What to do?

My stomach was grumbling and growling from its recent bold and decisive action. I was still nauseated and now weak and feeling sick. I called the clinic's after-hours phone and said I'd need to talk to them tomorrow, could they call me? Then I listened to more of my audiobook, before nausea took the better of me and I retreated upstairs to return the very last of the magnesium citrate, this time to the toilet and sink on the second floor.

That and a headache medication later, I was feeling much recovered but I don't think I'll be getting my roto rooter exam tomorrow. That sucks, because now I have to go through that once again, after deciding white alternative potion that both I, as well as the scanning machine, can tolerate.

Well, live and learn I suppose, but I'd really have preferred going in tomorrow, wrung out and starving as I'd be. At least it would get done.

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